Something to express...(MK-34)

29 MAY 2022                                                                                                                               SUNDAY

Hey,

I screwed up, really big. It’s all my fault. Mumma wanted to go to ‘Nani’s house’ to stay for few days. She asked me if I’ll joined, I said I would first then, bailed out at the last moment on the day of going.

Before, that day, what happened is I was watching ‘Civil War’(I’m an Avenger freak too now) again tbh, along with the shows coming on sab tv during ads only, but after the last show ended on it which we watched I switched to the movie. My brother, Arjun was watching IPL on laptop during all that or free fire, but when my mother asked him to shut down he said that he was watching IPL and if I turn off my movie and stream IPL instead then only he will close it down…Guess what would have happened??

Off course, I changed because Mumma was on his side too, she just wanted him to stop using laptop now, didn’t even cared abt my feelings, maybe she might not even be knowing what I was feeling then.

I felt bad, cheated, not given the right I deserved  of watching Civil War and a series of feelings that made me decide she doesn’t take my side, always Arjun is her fav one, so I won’t go with her as the same might happen there too . But you know that was FAKE. I wasn’t going to do that just because tv was taken away from me.

The next morning, papa asked me that would I go, I replied negatively. The fire razed all over that I won’t be going with her, then Mumma asked, I again said NO

But woke up after sometime, and started to do my morning routine and even did skin care as I thought if I’m going there as I have to do it in the morning only.

I don’t know why, I was not feeling good at all.

Some kind of anxiety, imagining the worst of my life I could do. what will happen to me if I go there, I’ll be all alone, Arjun with Devu, Mumma her own work Maasi her own Nana-Nani their own.

Me like always- Alone ☹

I stayed quiet for a while, didn’t talk much just kept packing. And then me asking, mumma abt when we will be back home might have grown the suspicion that I don’t want to go. So I said NO.

 

Then Arjun too denied to go there,

Mumma slept for an hour or so. I took a nap too and when I woke up somehow due to some noise, found she and Arjun were going. She just went in front my eyes, didn’t even said GOODBYE

Might have assumed I ‘m sleeping but I ran downstairs with lays in my hand for arjun which I had bought a day ago, I reached but only found her there standing but I didn’t speak a word and turned around and hide for some time waiting for Arjun who had gone upstairs for something.

I hid there so long that when he even rushed out of elevator, I didn’t catch him and thought he will still be coming but didn’t as he had already arrived and went with her.

I went to the main gate waited there. Looked up for them but not willing to go in front of someone as wasn’t feeling comfortable to be seen in my white midi dress.

I went back home just my father there, sleeping I went to another room. Cried a lot for her going away not even saying goodbye and that I couldn’t catch him…

Anger, Sadness, Anxiety,

Feeling everything at once, threw the chips packet, my packed bag’s belonging, removed my dress and threw it somewhere changed clothes and sat in that room for a while, watched tv, ate lunch

After sometime, watched AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR, made me forget abt everything, made me laugh, little sad, just lifted my mood. LOVED IT BY ❤.

 Then after that, was feeling lonely again thought I’ll go there by myself in the metro but then papa and I went to his Mama ji’s house and brought our Beloved Badimumma back home.

I quite enjoyed there. But today, I had messaged Mumma something and she didn’t reply so I thought she was ignoring me, I asked her abt that then there was series of messages and I was a little rude as I was feeling she thinks I’m enjoying here without her but I wasn’t tbh.

And then I deleted messages as I thought it was all because of my anger and overthinking that I lashed out unnecessarily.

And texted sorry.

I know it’s all my fault and felt bad that she didn’t call me for that reason only.

But Arjun called and I talked to her to but tears came to my eyes as a sense of relief after hearing her voice but I controlled and didn’t talk much as I was still feeling sad.

 

MORAL I LEARNED HERE IS THAT:

It’s all in our head. The situation is not even worse than we imagine it in our head. She didn’t call or said goodbye but I could have by leaving my anger and ego behind then I wouldn’t be crying that much or even worrying unnecessarily. And maybe going there, would have been much better than I was imagining. And yeah, I have to learn to be strong, be kind to myself by not overthinking too much, and be optimistic and most importantly smile more :):)

Because someday in life I might be living alone for study, for work away from home then I can't be like I want my Mumma, Badimumma, Paapa...I have to grow up to be independent enough to not worry or cry of being away from them.

So, in a nutshell, leave ur stupid ego and anger behind and be the one to take the first step and end this unsaid war in ur head😊 because we don't have much time to not to talk to each other.

RELISH EVERY MOMENT OF UR LIFE WITH THE PEOPLE U LOVE

🙏🙏Jai Shree Radhekrishn 🙏🙏

PACE

GOOD VIBES ONLY

STAY SAFE AND HEALTH

LOVE URSELF

BELIEVE IN URSELF

DON'T THINK TOO MUCH ON THINGS WHICH HAVE NO VALUE IN UR LIFE