Enough of me now 😠 (MK-17)

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 I'm seriously mad at myself... I wanna cry.

Sometimes I think, why I just can't be a normal kid... or why positive quotes/vibes affect me too... why don't they apply in my life too.. I just don't know


Photo credit:https://www.fanpop.com/clubs/disney-princess/images


I also wanna be happy. I also wanna be positive but I just can't or I'm not that strong.

seriously this year 2020 was a headache to me... Covid was a problem in my life but my own mind, my own feelings. thoughts, actions were too...

every month I was all stressed out... thinking over and over again about only one thing then on other days I was a happy soul then it came back...

all I used to think was my past actions that what I did when I was a kid or what I said. getting depressed by all of these, crying all alone then complaining to Radhakrishn, writing in my diary about myself only that how bad I have become, what I'm doing, why I'm not studying, why I can't stop doing this.

talking to mom helped for a few days but it was back again... mumma told me to spit every single tension, thought that disturbs me but it just didn't work for me... I don't know why but I'm sad because of myself.

nothing helps me and I don't know why? it wouldn't... schools were closed no friends no fun no happiness no freedom all because of Covid... school wasn't the only reason I was sad. I just wanted my life back to normal back to the gear... I wanna be Kittu of 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016...................................2005

 I just hate 2020.

I'm out of mind, I don't know what I'm writing. I may be repeating the things, maybe there will be grammatical errors, pls don't mind

every night I complain to Radhakrishn about everything they got me into. I was all good, I thought 2021 no more probs but a dream was all breaker. why I'm even calling it a dream, it was a nightmare!!!!!

but I loved some parts of it like the princess action sequence walk, her dress, and the fun or say bad part the princess was me (not sure actually)

my mood swings are seriously horrible and sometimes my loved ones are the prey to it. 

I'm right now putting a word into everything (did it once in the month of May too) like if someone bought something then it was THAT or someone did something then it was THAT or even the song Try Everything by Shakira, the lyrics- I wanna try everything, what- THAT. 

I'm fed up with it. I can't even focus on my studies= I don't wanna study with all of this burden on my head already 😥

And after this, I get stressed assuming it is a disorder a "MENTAL DISORDER" or assuming that I'm depressed, mentally retired then I'll calm myself, take a deeep breath. 

Then I'm back to that but

no more means no more, no one has the ability to control me and my feelings, only I'm the one who has this extremme right. If my mind doesn't listen to me if I can't stop thinking again and again. if I can't stop being the same human being 

I HAVE TO. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP REMEMBER WHAT DID BUDDHA SAID:

THE STRUGGLE YOU ARE IN TODAY IS GIVING YOU THE STRENGTH  YOU NEED FOR TOMORROW. DON'T GIVE UP

I'll find my own ways to cope with my fear of getting depressed, people knowing about what I think or feel..  FEAR CAN'T BE TRUSTED it will only kill me instead of saving me.

I will stop overthinking about my past, my actions, I will stop judging my feelings. These are my feelings and I'm allowed to be the way I wanna be and I won't let anything happen to myself.

Mumma always says, "remember until there are sun and moon in this world, there is nothing to worry about, just be happy, be positive, live your life."

Seriously, if you can't decide what is the next right thing to do just stay calm and Do the next right thing. 

Talk to your loved ones- your family and friends. But remember always talk to somebody whom you trust the most like I trust my mother the most... she'll never leave me alone no matter what happens to me or what I become, she'll always be there to help me out. LOVE U MUMMA

"I won't give up no I won't give in till I reach the end then I will start again. I want to try everything. I want to try even though I could fail. I'll keep on making those new mistakes. Try Everything" song Try Everything by Shakira.

I'm seriously crying right now, tears are in my eyes just can't express my feelings... I don't know that I'm happy or sad. But I know one thing that I'll never give up on myself and become a strong woman just like my mom.

Just don't ask me what's the problem or insist me to tell you this right is only to my mom no one else than her :) 


So Bye for now

P.A.C.E

Don't forget to comment below 

Stay safe 

Stay healthy

Be happy

'Do the Next Right Thing'

Lots of love to my readers ❤❤

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